How to eat fish and chips

I've had fish and chips three times since I've been in the UK.  But this weekend, on my third try, I think I finally got it right, as reinforced by observing the natives.  Here, in five simple steps, is the correct way to eat fish and chips.

1) The shop.  Ideally, you should be in a town near the ocean, or at least near water, so the fish is relatively fresh.  Note that this is really not difficult in Scotland.  But wherever you are, it seems that any good, real fish-and-chips shop is going to be mildly sketchy-looking.  It's basically a metal fast-food counter in a very small, very sparse shop.  Although fish and chips are delicious and perhaps healthier when eaten from a legitimate sit-down restaurant, this is not the legit way to do it.  Which leads us to Step 2...

2) The mindset.  What you are about to consume is really, really not good for you.  You'll be okay.  Don't think about it.  Just do it.  Not every day or anything, and probably not if you're diabetic or pregnant or at serious risk for heart attack or something.  But otherwise, yeah.  Just go for it.

3) The order.  Look for the thing that seems freshest.  If there's anything that says 'catch of the day', go for that.  Stay away from fish sticks.  Ick.  Make sure you get chips as well.  (Note: 'chips' are french fries.  You probably knew that.  But just to clarify.)  And then when they ask you if you want salt and vinegar on top, say YES.  Unless you're one of those people who don't like vinegar or salt or something.  In which case I guess you could possibly say no.  But you're missing out.  Oh, and grab a bunch of napkins and possibly a fork.

4) The location.  So now you have in your eager hands the package of deliciousness.  It might be in a nice cardboard or Styrofoam box, or it might be wrapped up in newsprint.  It doesn't matter.  It's warm and it smells good and you've got it.  Don't, I repeat don't, eat it in the shop unless it's pouring down rain (which is, admittedly, highly possible) and you absolutely can't stand to be outside.  If you followed Step 1, there should be some kind of dock or pier area relatively nearby.  Otherwise a park will suffice.  Walk there quickly because your meal is getting less crispy by the second, find a bench, sit down, look out at the cool boats coming in, politely kick the seagulls away, and appreciate it.  Briefly.

5) The eating.  The time has come.  Open up the packet of goodness, put ketchup on your chips if you were lucky enough to locate some (good luck), and proceed to devour that delectable deep-fried pile of British culture.  Yummm.  Oh, and when you're done and you've thrown your trash in the garbage can and not at the pesky seagulls, take a walk.  Good for digestion and for starting to burn off the zillion calories you've just consumed (that you're still not thinking about) and for exploring some more of the incredible country you're in.

:)